Remembering

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.2 Corinthians 1:3, 4

I am always amazed at how God gives me just what I need to read or hear at just the right time.  The verse above was the passage in the reading today in a devotional called Mornings With Jesus.  

I thought the timing was perfect for this passage.  August 6, 2003 was the due date of our first baby. Reading this passage on this day reminded me of the pain we felt when we had the miscarriage and the love and comfort we received to help us during this time.  I have always felt one of the things I learned from this time was caring for others as they go through loss and trying to be a small comfort to them.  

I will always remember this day and think about our first baby who is in Heaven.  

Have a day of blessings!
  Bethany

11

Today we remember the due date of our first child.  That child would be 11 this year.  Even though it has been 11 years, I know I will always remember this day because that first pregnancy and first baby was such an important part of my life and our marriage.  So much about me changed as I see it looking back.  I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that God gave us that time of pregnancy and the dream I had before the miscarriage. 

When I think of this day, I will always remember our first baby and feel thankful.  I think there will always be a little sadness in my heart.  I know over the years the feeling of the sadness has changed.  But there is always the thoughts of wondering about all the things we never got to do or experience with that baby. 

Also, my heart is continually filled with thankfulness at the way God blessed us one year later with our son. 

I saw this quote and I thought it was fitting for today: 

 I am forever changed

for having known the gift that was you.

I miss who you were,

who you would have become

and who I was going to be,

but I am a better person for having known you,

if only for a moment.

Author – Unknown

Have a day of blessings!

Wednesday Hodgepodge

1. What would you say is the key to success?  Trying your best and not comparing yourself to others is a good start.

2. Have you ever been to the Florida Keys? Any desire to visit that part of the US of A?
No I have not been there but would like to visit someday.  A FB friend posted pictures of their Florida vacation, and I thought we should go that way some year.

3. When and where did you last see a real live donkey? Monkey? Turkey? donkey--I often see donkeys in fields as we are driving. 
 monkey--I guess at the zoo but I don't remember when that last was.
 turkey--We usually see some at a produce store we visit here out in the country.  Every time we go there Caleb starts making his turkey call and calls them up.  He thinks it is neat they come when he calls!   
4. An old Portuguese proverb says, 'Beware of the door with too many keys.' What do you think this means? Share an example of how this has proven true or false in your own life. I have never heard of this proverb so I looked it up and was surprised at all the things that popped up.  To me this means be careful in your choices and if you have a bunch of different options in front of you, be sure to choose wisely.  The easiest is not necessarily the best. 

5. Besides your home, vehicle, and special jewelry, what is something you keep under lock and key?  birth certificate, marriage license, papers about the vehicles, and some savings bonds

6. When did you last get keyed up about something?  my son's upcoming birthday party this weekend and getting everything ready for that

7. Who thinks we need an easy one right about now?  Key lime pie...yes please or no thank you? No thank you, I don't know that I've ever had it, maybe a bite of my husband's.

8. Insert your own random thought here.
We are looking forward to Caleb's birthday party.  He has helped get things ready for it, and we are just about ready! The house is just about cleaned, and we are going to the grocery store Thursday.   It will be Saturday afternoon with a Duck Dynasty theme.

Also, today is the anniversary of my first due date for the first baby we never got to meet. I had a miscarriage at nearly 11 weeks.  That baby would be 11 this year.  Then the next year God gave us Caleb!   

Have a day of blessings!

A treasured moment

We were walking in the parking lot towards our truck after browsing in Lowes. I realized there was a hand in mine. I looked down casually and noticed our boy walking between us, holding both our hands. This happens so rarely now because as a 9 year old he doesn't like holding my hand much anymore. As I've realized this,  I've come to appreciate those moments so much more when I do feel his hand in mine. This felt like such a special moment to me, even though it was so short of a walk and lasted such a brief time.

As I think about holding that hand I am filled with thankfulness that we have our boy. He is such a blessing, and I'm so thankful to be his Mom. (On a side note I love when the kids at school say, "aren't you Caleb's Mom?")

My heart has been heavy this week as Mother's Day approaches.  A year ago this week I went to my follow-up appointment after our miscarriage. I remember the doctor telling me to wait three months before we tried again for another child, which would mean wait until August.  I didn't know if I wanted to try again and for the three months went back and forth,  unsure what to do. I had figured it out though and knew my due day would be the beginning of May if we conceived in August. In my mind that would be a perfect plan. But obviously that didn't happen and we still aren't expecting another child. My heart has continued to feel mixed emotions about this.  My heart still hurts from the last miscarriage, and I have realized we may not have additional children here. I don't know what the future holds, but we are trusting God for the next step.

This Mother's Day I'm thankful for the gift of my son and his hand in mine. Because of the last 9 months, I've had a small glimpse of how women must feel who are unable to conceive. There is so much pain, frustration, and unknowns. It's just plain hard, and I never knew that prior to this experience.  I'm blessed to have his hand to hold, and because of the pain we've gone through, I don't take those sweet moments for granted.

Happy Mother's Day today.  I'm remembering all those who long to have children, for those who have babies in Heaven, and for those missing their Mom's today.

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom who has been a loving encouragement to me. I'm thankful to have her in my life and our memories together.

Have a day of blessings!

One year

Today is a sad day of remembrance for our family. On April 19, 2103 I found out I was having a miscarriage, our second miscarriage...our third child.

We've made it through all the firsts. Since we passed my due date back in November, I've been thinking of all the things that would be different if a baby was in our family. There have been so many things I've missed and thought of the "what ifs." 

I suppose Easter will always remind me of this pregnancy. Last year Easter was at the end of March, and we revealed the news to Caleb that he would be a big brother with an Easter scavenger hunt. His last prize was a wrapped box containing a big brother shirt. We watched the video of his reactions earlier this week, and I will forever cherish his excited shouts that day. I'm so glad we decided to tell him so he could be part of our happy secret for a couple of weeks.  Then on Easter we went to tell my Mom. Now this year Easter weekend is on the anniversary of the miscarriage.   I remember thinking last year how Caleb would get to teach the new baby how to color eggs and we'd have fun finding them outfits for Easter.

It still is unreal to me that I was actually pregnant again. The pain has eased, but it never goes away completely.  My heart is healing; I've kept a written list of moments I feel were part of my healing over the past year.    Once again, just like after our first loss, I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned through this journey. They've been different lessons from the first time. I still don't understand and have many questions and have gone through so many up and down emotions. I know though God cares about me, and I love Him.  I continue to hold on to that.

Today I remember a year ago and am thankful for those who have supported and loved us through the pain.

Have a day of blessings!

January 13, 2003 was a Monday also

January 13, 2003 was a Monday also.

I'll always remember the details of that day 11 years ago.

I'd started spotting on Sunday, a little over 10 weeks into our first pregnancy. We prayed and hoped it was nothing. On Monday my husband took me in to the ER. They told me I was having a miscarriage.

I don't remember physical pain so much as he heartbreak I felt and the unsympathetic, uncaring actions of  the hospital staff.  (And I can say that it really made a huge difference to me during the second loss when the doctor was so kind and compassionate, such a huge contrast to the first loss.).

I remember going through Taco Bell for lunch cause that sounded good to me at the time. We went home, and my Mom came. There were cards and flowers and hugs and lots of tears. I did not understand and was just so heartbroken for our loss.  I remember when my Mom and I went to the local Subway a couple days later for me to get out and see how I did. Then by Thursday I went back to my classroom.

I can't even imagine how I went back to my class. The principal told me to take as much time as I needed.  I remember feeling that my "teaching heart" had changed. I remember coming out in the hall and seeing the PE teacher (who was due a month after me) showing other teachers her sonogram picture.  I wondered how I would ever go on with my daily life when everything had changed for me.

I remember being surprised how some people acted and the things some people said. I remember feeling like everyone else went on with their lives and that my world had stopped.

Now 11 years later, even though I clearly remember the details of that day, I can say that my heart has healed. It feels different on this day than it has in recent years, I suppose due to the second miscarriage we had in 2013 that is still so fresh in my heart and an experience that was totally different than my first one.

This isn't something I can change, and the loss will forever be part of who I am. I learned so much because of the experience.  I am thankful to be able to look back and see those lessons and see how things fit together.

As women we all grieve and remember differently. I think that it is important to realize there isn't necessarily a right or wrong way to do this. Others who have been there may offer suggestions to those beginning their walk down this road, but each woman has to do what she needs to do to grieve. The important thing in my opinion is to make sure you let yourself grieve and not try to push it all away or pretend you are fine because that isn't healthy.

This Monday I am remembering another January 13. And I'm thankful for the ways God has healed my heart in the past 11 years.

Have a day of blessings!

Missing someone I never met.....

11-1-13....A day I've been dreading for 6 months.  A day that looks much different than we expected it to back on March 25, the day we found out we were pregnant again.  A day that is the third due date I have had and the second one to come without a baby. 

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in April.  We found out I had a blighted ovum.  I didn't even know what this was prior to this.  And even though I don't understand how this happens, in my heart this will always be a baby to me. 



This song has replayed over and over in my head over the past few months.  It has been harder for me the closer we got to this day.  As we would turn the calendar each month since April, my heart would sink a little as I knew we were one month closer to November, one month closer to all of the things that don't get to happen that we so wanted to happen.....No announcing the name we chose.  No seeing big brother's face when he meets his sibling for the first time.  No photos with happy family  members.  No tiny little head to wear a tiny pumpkin hat.  No dirty diapers.  No counting toes.  No figuring out new baby cries. No nursery to decorate.  No singing lullabies.  No "coming home from the hospital" outfit. No cousin pictures. No newborn in our family pictures we take every November.  No extra Christmas stocking to hang on our mantle.

This time last year I did not even have a baby on my radar! This pregnancy was a surprise, and we were excited as the realization sank in.  Sometimes it doesn't even feel real that I was pregnant for 12 weeks.  It is amazing to me (as it was with my first miscarriage) how those 12 weeks forever changed my life. 

We watched the movie "Facing the Giants" recently.  My husband and I had forgotten the couple in the movie struggled with infertility.  At the beginning they are talking and the wife says.....

"Grant, I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?"

That is exactly how I feel.  How can I miss someone that I've never met? 

I have learned a lot through the experience as I did from our first loss.  Everyone is hurting in some way, and I've learned we can't compare our hurts.  We can't know the pains others are feeling because everyone has a different life story and situation.  But when we realize everyone has a hurt they are facing, hopefully we can be more caring, more concerned, more encouraging, more sympathetic.   

So many people have helped me these past 7 months--My amazing husband who has never stopped loving me, wiping my tears, letting me talk when my heart was overwhelmed or sometimes saying nothing at all. My sweet boy who has given me countless hugs when he saw the tears in my eyes and asked knowingly what was wrong. He has amazed me with his sensitivity and the things he notices that would possibly make me feel sad (and he's usually right). My family who has encouraged and loved me and not forgotten us.  My friends who have been encouraging to me, many times without even realizing how what they say or do touches my heart when I need a lift.  Our wonderful church family who has been there for us and helped us through the grief.

I told my Mom I had dreaded November 1 coming, and she told me to remember my blessings.  So I did that throughout the month of October.  I typed an email draft of two or three blessings I'd noticed in my days and added to it throughout the month.  And that focus on the blessings did help me.  I still had my sad times, but it encouraged me to do this activity all month long. 

My heart hurts.  I know that doesn't ever go away completely.  From our first loss I know that the pain changes as the years pass, but there is always that one missing, that one we wonder about.  And now we have two that we miss and wonder about.  We don't know the reason or why, yet we trust God and know this is His story.

I know that "long beyond the empty cradle" I will forever carry those 12 weeks in my heart. I'm thankful to God for carrying us the past 6 months and continuing to carry us today.     

Have a day of blessings!

Thankful Thursday

Another week into October, another week with my husband at home because of the government shutdown, another week of enjoying the beautiful fall weather. 

This week I'm thankful for...
~ the things my husband has done while he's been home including fix supper.  He finished working on our office and helped me go through a filing cabinet yesterday. He also went to be a WatchDOG at Caleb's school last Friday.   It is discouraging for him that he is not allowed to go to work, but he is having a good attitude about it and we continue to trust God to take care of us.

~  being able to do things with our boy like taking him to the deer lease and attending 4-H meetings.  It is fun for me as a Mom to see him in different settings.  He has so many interests! 

~ a surprise in the mail from a friend.  We became pen pals when we were little girls and have grown up together through the years.  Now we are both married and have a child.  She sent me these fall towels and wash cloths along with a sweet card. 

~  feeling peaceful and being able to trust God amidst the unknowns of this government shutdown.  We are thankful we have our "emergency fund" that we've been saving since doing Financial Peace University.  I was also able to sign up to be on the substitute list so we could have some income while we don't know how long this will last.   

~ monetary surprises in the mail.  I just think it is so neat the timing of these checks!  We had a gift card for $50 in the mail over the weekend that was from a survey I did once a month for a year.  It ended several months ago, and  I actually had thought about it last week and wondered if I was going to get the promised $50.  Then it showed up!  Then on Monday I got another $10 check for another survey.  I didn't even know that one was coming.  It's been a reminder that God is taking care of us. 

~ our loving church family.  On Sunday I had a friend come up and had me a small black velvet box.  She said she wanted me to have this.  She told me one time at a retreat we were at that I mentioned having a pair of these feet after my  first miscarriage, then I lost it and got another pair and eventually quit wearing it as I was afraid to lose it again.  She said she knew there was a pair in her mother's stuff and she searched for it till she found it.  The retreat was probably a year ago or more.  The timing was so perfect I thought for her to give it to me this month.  I thought it was so sweet of her to remember me saying that and to give this to me.  I stood there and cried and hugged her.  Here is a picture.  They are the size of a baby in the womb at 10 weeks.

Join us at Grace Alone this month for Thankful Thursday.

Have a day of blessings!

10 years

I couldn't let the day go by without writing a post of remembrance today.  This was the due date of our first baby back in 2003.  I can't believe that little one would be 10 years old this year!  So much has happened in the past 10 years.  I still wonder what that baby would be like and think of all the things we have missed doing with her.

I never would have thought in 2003 that I would have another miscarriage in 2013 either.  It still amazes me how I was pregnant for such a short time with that baby and my life has been changed forever.  I'm thankful for the things God has taught me through our losses and how He has helped me along the way.

Have a day of blessings!

Healing after a miscarriage #3

This is the third post in a series I am sharing about things that have helped me through my process of grief following our miscarriage in April.  Here is post #1 and post #2.

At the time of the miscarriage we received many cards, calls, etc. to check on us and see how we were doing.  As time has gone on there have been fewer of these.  Also some people did not know about the miscarriage when it happened, so I've had to tell various people about our loss since that time. 

One day I went to the school to pick up some papers in the office.  This was one of my first times out of the house since the miscarriage.  Another Mom was there waiting.  I knew her from school events, and she casually asked how I was doing.  It was hard to answer at first, but I told her I was trying to be okay and that I'd recently had a miscarriage.  She did not know of our loss and offered her sympathy.  I didn't think that much about it and had forgotten about it.  Well a couple weeks later I saw her again at another school function.  She came up to me and specifically asked how I was doing. 

Later I thought about this and realized how kind it was that she made a point to ask about me.  I also realized how as time goes by it feels like people have forgotten about the loss.  It isn't something people want to talk about or know what to say, and I understand that and it is truly okay.  But when someone does ask, it helps and makes me feel glad they remembered.  I know that I remember the loss every day, and it means so much when someone asks how I am doing. 

It has also taught me to remember those who are going through loss and not forget about them months later because they are most likely still struggling.  Through our first miscarriage I learned the value of showing concern to others going through difficult times and the value of a simple card of remembrance in the mail.  I know many people who have gone through loss recently and because of my own loss I have been reminded to check on them and see how they are doing in their grief.   

Have a day of blessings!

Healing after a miscarriage #2

This is the second in a series of posts on parts of my healing through the grief of miscarriage.  I am writing these as my heart is healing through the pain.  Today I would have been to 20 weeks.  Post 1 can be seen here. 

On Friday, April 26 I was scheduled to have an ultrasound to look at our baby for the first time. I had asked my aunt to cancel this appointment earlier in the week after finding out the previous Friday I was having a miscarriage.  So on this Friday I was feeling down thinking how I would have loved to be at the office seeing our baby and wondering why this was happening to us again.  I went to check the mail and had a box in the mail box.  It was from my cousin.  Enclosed was a card with a wonderfully touching message.  Then my cousin had written something that has stuck with me every day since....

Just a reminder to keep doing the things you love to do.

Along with the card she had put in a package of pens and several boxes of note cards.  She knows I love to send cards and how much I love colorful pens. 

This has been a part of my healing as I have realized how important it is for me to continue doing things I love even though my heart has been hurting.  Taking each day a step at a time has helped me see that I can still enjoy the things I like to do and that it is important to do them and not just stay home and do nothing (which is what I felt like doing the first few weeks). 

I truly believe it has helped me in my grief process to remember this every single day, and I'm thankful for my cousin for this sweet reminder. 

Have a day of blessings!

Healing after a miscarriage#1

I plan to write a few posts to share parts of my healing journey.  My heart still hurts, and I know that the feeling I have of missing two babies and all we missed with them will always be in my heart.  I would like to record these thoughts about things that have helped me through the pain of our miscarriage.  I hope by sharing them they will help someone else in their grief or help someone who loves someone going through a similar loss. 

One of the things I felt so strongly after the miscarriage was that I was broken.  This thought came to my  mind over and over again.  I felt like my body was just broken.  Why did I have a second miscarriage?  What is wrong with me?  Why can others just have babies without a problem and this is our second loss?  I told my husband it felt like something was wrong with me for this to happen again. 

At night before I go to bed I always check on our son and kiss him as he sleeps and whisper to him.  One of the things I've always said is "you're fearfully and wonderfully made" (from Psalm 139).  One night when I said this I thought how this applies to me too.  I AM fearfully and wonderfully made.  Now whenever the thought comes that "I'm just broken" I remind myself that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

I know that God made me and cares about my body and all its organs and parts and how they function.  I don't know why this happened again and probably never will have an answer to that.   It has really helped me as I deal with this though to remember this promise from Psalms that He has made me and to focus on that instead of just feeling broken and hopeless.   

Have a day of blessings!

Baby remembrances

I wanted to share these things I have received that are in memory of our baby. My heart has been so touched by the people giving these to me at our time of grief. 

First is a handkerchief.  I received this from a fellow blogger named Debby I "met" through Wednesday Hodgepodge.  She read my story and asked if she could send me a handkerchief.  Such a nice ministry I thought and this was nice to receive in the mail. I liked also that the lettering was purple, my favorite color. :) 

Next is a memorial afghan.  This was from my online friend I've never met in real life but have known for many years now.  She sent me one for my first loss too and also made a big afghan for Caleb and my Meemaw.  She is such a sweet encouraging lady, and I'm thankful for her friendship and kindness.  Such a sweet little memorial blanket and so soft.

My aunt gave me this cross necklace.  It is called a Trinity Cross.  I have never seen one like this before.   It came with a little card describing what it means.  You can read a similar description on the website. This is special on so many levels for me.  I wore it on Mother's Day and liked hearing the three pieces bump together.

picture from website

Finally is the afghan my Mom made.  She started it right after we told her we were pregnant.  I saw a pattern online somewhere, and Caleb chose for this one to be light green.  Since she had it started, she finished it, and it goes in the memorial box at her house with the white one she made for our first baby (Caleb's baby afghan is yellow).   You can't really tell it is green in this picture she sent me.  She showed me she had it finished the last time we were at her house, and it brought tears to my eyes.

I will always cherish these things and remember our baby with them.

Have a day of blessings!

A month

Today it has been a month since we found out our sad news about the loss of our baby.  A day we had anticipated with such excitement because we would get to share our secret will now be remembered as a day of sadness.  It's been a hard month, but at the same time I can tell that my heart is healing.  It feels different this time around compared to the first loss.  I am not sure why really but have several ideas at the difference I feel this time.

It took about two weeks for me to get to where I felt like doing things again, and I have been through many "firsts" since the miscarriage as I have gotten back to my routine once I healed physically.  The first time going back to church. The first time going to the grocery store by myself.  The first time eating Tuesday lunch with my husband (this was particularly difficult and I sat in the parking lot and cried).  The first time going back to the school to volunteer.  It's been weird what things bother me and make me cry.

I miss so many things about being pregnant. I miss that fixing lunches for my husband and son no longer makes me gag.  I miss feeling my stomach growing rounder.  I miss doing the pictures with Caleb to show how big the baby would be each week. 

I wanted so badly to share the pictures with our family that we had taken to announce our news.  I wanted to hear that heart beat so much.  I wanted to be to 16 weeks on Friday when I went on the field trip with my boy's class.  I wanted to figure out how to fix the baby's room.  I wanted to feel those sweet baby kicks inside me and share that with my husband and son.

I don't understand and have so many "whys?" at this point.  However, I am praying for God to show me what I can learn through this experience.  There were specific things I learned through the first loss that I still think about today, and I pray to learn new things because of this loss. 

I'm thankful the healing is beginning in my heart and those who have supported me this past month.  I can feel that I am healing.

I read this quote (source unknown) when I was looking at poems about loss and miscarriage.  I liked it and wanted to share. 

Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?

Have a day of blessings!

My new necklace!

I wanted to find something to wear after our miscarriage to remember our baby.  After our first loss 10 years ago my Mom got us tiny footprint pins.  They represent the size of a baby at 10 weeks, just the time of our first loss.  I wore mine for a long time and eventually stopped wearing it, I think I lost one and had a replacement and lost it when I put on my seat belt.  I had a bracelet made after Caleb was born with his name on it.  It also had a special green bead in memory of our first loss and had CALEB spelled with little blocks. 

 

I looked around on Etsy and found several necklaces I liked.  Now that I have one child here with me and two in heaven, I wanted something to represent all three.  We have a name for the first baby because of a dream I had before the miscarriage happened.  But this baby we have not named yet. I chose the hearts to represent those two babies. 

 

I just loved the heart necklace I saw at this shop called Polka Pear.  I messaged the owner and asked if she could do hearts or baby footprints.  She gave me the idea to do the hearts vertically on one side with Caleb on the other.  I loved how it turned out!  Here is a picture of it that I took from her Facebook page.  The heart is shiny silver and has two green stones (for August for our first baby's due date and Caleb's birthday) and one orange stone (for November for our third baby's due date) hanging in the middle. 

The owner of the shop, Sabrina, was very kind and helpful.  She answered all my questions, and I appreciated that I had my necklace within a week of ordering. 

She didn't ask me to do a post about this, I just wanted to because I like my necklace so much.  :)Also, I am hoping to have a giveaway in the coming days here!    

Go check out Polka Pear and look at her other stuff!  She told me she is working on some things for Father's Day, and I look forward to seeing them. 

Have a day of blessings!

Thankful for my amazing husband!

It is hard to put into words how thankful I am for my husband.  He has always been such a wonderful husband and friend.  Over the past couple of months though I have realized (over and over and over again) how much more I love him now.  I did not know I could love him more than I already did.  He is such a blessing to my life.  

I know he is hurting too with the loss of our baby, and we sometimes talk about the things we will never get to do with this baby.  He has been so wonderful and done so much to take care of me. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, I was having so many pregnancy symptoms.  He started fixing lunches for himself and Caleb because I could not stand the smells.  He would come home from work to fix supper many days when I was just so tired and hadn't done it.  He stopped at the store to get water for us so I wouldn't have to lift it.  He made sure my car was filled with gas so I didn't have to get gas myself. 

With our loss he has listened as I've shared my hurts and questions, held me as I've cried, wiped my tears, missed work so he could take Caleb to school and pick him up when I couldn't, drove me to doctor appointments because he didn't want me going alone, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom.  I'm sure there has been other stuff too.

I so appreciate his love and support and am thankful God gave me such a husband and best friend.  We will be celebrating 12 years of marriage in less than a month. 

Have a day of blessings!

Sharing my hurting heart

It's hard to even know what to write, but I feel the need to write something here to remember later how I was feeling at this time.  We were all so excited to share with everyone that we were expecting another child and I was due on November 1. 

Last Friday I was supposed to be 12 weeks.  I thought everything was going great. We were SO surprised to find out we were pregnant at the end of March.  I had had so many pregnancy symptoms and was so looking forward to sharing our surprise with our family and friends last weekend.  I did have some spotting on Wednesday but from things I read on the Internet I was hopeful that maybe it was normal for someone nearly 12 weeks pregnant.  We prayed and waited for my appointment Friday morning....my heart was racing as they took my blood pressure.  Then they tried to find the baby's heart beat and could not.  She thought she might have, but it was actually mine.  The ultra sound showed an empty sac.  I had blood work done and came home to wait for the results to see if maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was.  She called and said I have a blighted ovum. 

I have so many emotions right now.  I cannot believe this is happening again.  I thought everything would be fine this time.  We had a miscarriage before Caleb, and at the time we lived in West, TX.  So Thursday and Friday everything from that first loss was coming back to me because of all the coverage of the explosion in West. 

My husband and I talked of all the things we won't get to do with this baby....all the plans we'd already made that we won't get to do now.  I know from the time before how much those "firsts" hurt....my due date in particular is going to be hard.  

Our hearts are hurting.  We don't understand.  I know from my past experience that the pain will eventually ease.  It is so weird to think that I have been pregnant three times and two of those babies aren't here with us.  It also reminded me how blessed we are to have our boy and the miracle he is to be here with us.  I trust that God has a plan and a purpose, and I hold onto that because right now it makes no sense.

We have been so touched by the love others have shown us the past few days.  I can't even put into words how amazing my boys are as well.   I'll have to write about that another day.

I found a poem that really put into words how I am feeling.  I wanted to share it with this post. 

Piece of my HeartHow was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those twelve weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds
-------------------------------------

Have a day of blessings!

Remembering...

This is the date of my first due date.  We will always remember that time of pregnancy, even though it was so short.  We trust that one day we will see that baby again too.   

We have a tradition to get ice cream as a way to remember that baby.  Tonight when we sat down with our ice cream I thought the song on the radio sounded familiar.  It was "If Heaven Wasn't So Far Away."  Then a couple songs later was "You're Gonna Miss This."  It made me smile to hear these two songs.  I thought both were appropriate to think about as we remember one baby we never got to meet and think of Caleb's upcoming birthday and another year passing so quickly. 

Have a day of blessings!

Marriage Monday

I haven't participated with Marriage Monday lately but I thought I would this week.  The topic is Infertility and the writing prompt I've chosen is:  Did you suffer any miscarriages or have difficulty conceiving?

Those of you who know us or have read my blog know that we suffered a miscarriage in January 2003.  This was our first pregnancy, and we were so excited to find out we were expecting, sharing the news with family members during the Christmas holidays.  We were devastated when we lost our baby.  We were surprised to be pregnant and then have that taken away so suddenly.  Since I have PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), we wondered if we would be able to conceive again or have other miscarriages. 

I remember several things about that time. Looking back I believe I was depressed during that time. When I went back to the classroom I did not feel I was as good of a teacher as I was prior to the miscarriage because something in me had changed.  It is one of the most painful times of my life, yet I can honestly say now that God has used that pain to teach me and bring me closer to Him.  Before the miscarriage I never knew the pain someone could feel over such a loss.  One thing I learned is that everyone grieves differently with this kind of loss and that is okay.  Another thing I learned is to be careful with my words when people are facing times of grief.  Many people don't know what to say and often say hurtful things, I think often without realizing it probably.  While I learned that words can hurt deeply, a third thing I learned in this time was the value of an encouraging word.  I had many people who were supportive and praying for us, and it really meant a lot.  Several people remembered me on my first Mother's Day and one friend sent me a special Mother's Day Precious Moments figurine.      

When I hear of someone who has had a miscarriage now, my heart hurts for them as I remember my own pain.  If you have a friend or family member who has faced a loss, remember their baby with them.  Don't act like they were never pregnant.  Ask how they are doing and show you care.  Let them talk or cry if that is what they need.  Remember special days like Mother's Day, Father's Day, and the baby's due date. 

Thank you for visiting today for Marriage Monday.  Visit Chrysalis and find others writing on a variety of themes related to infertility today. 

Have a day of blessings!

Morning conversations

I never know what sort of conversations I will have with Caleb in the mornings as he eats breakfast and gets ready for school.  Some mornings he will be super talkative and animated.  Others he is more reserved and quiet.

Tuesday morning he started talking about his sister.  He knows that I had a miscarriage before he was born, and I've told him about the dream I had at that time about that baby being a girl.  Tuesday he asked when her birthday would be and how long babies grow in the Mom's tummy.  Then he started talking about heaven and the other people we know there.  He talked about how we will have new bodies there and there won't be sin. 

Another interesting thing he said was about sin.  He said God reaches down to earth and grabs up that sin and then throws it far far away.  It was a nice image to me.  I told him the verse that says God takes away our sins "as far as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12).

I enjoy our conversations and hope these continue as Caleb continues to grow up.   I've been  able to learn to see things from a child's perspective and through his thought process.  Especially about heaven.... something that we adults know some about but there are many questions we still have about it too. 
We've seen billboards around lately claiming that May 21 will be judgment day.  I've heard claims like this all of my life it seems.  I don't believe it because we can read in the Word in Matthew 24 that "about that day or hour no one knows."  I have seen several pose questions about this day and this man's claims.  I think it has made some people aware and reminded people that some day Jesus is coming back.  We don't know when, yet we do know we need to be ready at all times.  Are you ready for that?  Email me at preciousmoments2004 at gmail dot com if you aren't sure. 

Have a day of blessings!