Sharing my hurting heart

It's hard to even know what to write, but I feel the need to write something here to remember later how I was feeling at this time.  We were all so excited to share with everyone that we were expecting another child and I was due on November 1. 

Last Friday I was supposed to be 12 weeks.  I thought everything was going great. We were SO surprised to find out we were pregnant at the end of March.  I had had so many pregnancy symptoms and was so looking forward to sharing our surprise with our family and friends last weekend.  I did have some spotting on Wednesday but from things I read on the Internet I was hopeful that maybe it was normal for someone nearly 12 weeks pregnant.  We prayed and waited for my appointment Friday morning....my heart was racing as they took my blood pressure.  Then they tried to find the baby's heart beat and could not.  She thought she might have, but it was actually mine.  The ultra sound showed an empty sac.  I had blood work done and came home to wait for the results to see if maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was.  She called and said I have a blighted ovum. 

I have so many emotions right now.  I cannot believe this is happening again.  I thought everything would be fine this time.  We had a miscarriage before Caleb, and at the time we lived in West, TX.  So Thursday and Friday everything from that first loss was coming back to me because of all the coverage of the explosion in West. 

My husband and I talked of all the things we won't get to do with this baby....all the plans we'd already made that we won't get to do now.  I know from the time before how much those "firsts" hurt....my due date in particular is going to be hard.  

Our hearts are hurting.  We don't understand.  I know from my past experience that the pain will eventually ease.  It is so weird to think that I have been pregnant three times and two of those babies aren't here with us.  It also reminded me how blessed we are to have our boy and the miracle he is to be here with us.  I trust that God has a plan and a purpose, and I hold onto that because right now it makes no sense.

We have been so touched by the love others have shown us the past few days.  I can't even put into words how amazing my boys are as well.   I'll have to write about that another day.

I found a poem that really put into words how I am feeling.  I wanted to share it with this post. 

Piece of my HeartHow was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those twelve weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds
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Have a day of blessings!

Thinking about fears....

I received this email recently. I'd never read it before I don't think. I thought it had a lot of truth in it and wanted to share it. I do not know the author. I looked it up online and didn't find out either. Does this sum up any of your fears?

MY FEARS

I feared being alone...until I learned to like
myself.

I feared people's opinions...until I learned
that people would have opinions about me anyway.

I feared failure.....until I realized that
they are only the stepping stones to success.

I feared rejection ....until I learned
to have faith in myself.

I feared pain...until I learned
that it is necessary for growth.

I feared the truth....until I saw the ugliness
in lies.

I feared life...until I experienced
that it depends solely on my attitude.

I feared death....until I realized
that it is only a beginning.

I feared hate...until I saw
that it was nothing more than ignorance.

I feared love....until I realized that
I do need the other person to love me back.

I feared ridicule....until I learned
how to laugh at myself.

I feared success ... until I learned
that it is okay to be the best I can.

I feared growing old....until I realized
that I gained the beauty of wisdom every day.

I feared the dark...until I saw
the beauty of the stars and moonlight.

I feared the past....until I realized
that it can only hurt me if I allow it to do so.

I feared the future....until I realized
that it is only this moment that matters.

I feared change.....until I saw
that even the most beautiful butterfly had
to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.
(Author unknown)
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Have a day of blessings!

If...

Today I have another poem to share with you. I received this in an email last week. It brought back memories of my senior year of high school. We all had to memorize this poem for English. As I was backing out of our parking spot Saturday after the parade I turned and saw a familiar face. I pulled back into the spot, jumped out and ran over to hug my English teacher. It was great to see her! So aftter getting this poem and seeing my former teacher Saturday I've really been thinking a lot about senior English!


It is really a great poem with so much truth, and it is a good one for students to memorize in my opinion.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!
~~Rudyard Kipling

I could think of various real life experiences as I read this poem. How did I handle the situation? Could I have handled it better? True character is shown in how we handle the hard times as well as prosperity and what we do about the rude comments made behind our backs or the lies told about us. Do you stay true to your morals no matter who you are with or do you change based on your company?

I hope this poem gives you a little bit to think about today. Thanks for visiting!
~~~~~
"The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him." Nahum 1:7, NLT

Thankful Thursday: Victory

I'm so glad it is time again for Thankful Thursday! Lynn (at Spiritually Unequal Marriage) has chosen victory for the theme this week. Isn't it wonderful that we have the victory! Jesus is our victory everyday.

Today I am thankful for so many things.

~ my husband feeling so much better. He is doing great after his surgery last week. He still gets tired easily but he is healing and feeling more normal.

~ my little boy and seeing his concern and thoughtfulness towards others.

~ some exciting news I'll share probably next week (no not pregnancy just thought I better insert that there for anyone who thinks that is it!)

~ finding old friends, including former teachers, on Facebook!

~ comfortable car to travel.


I received this poem in an email and it is perfect to share today

DEAR GOD:

I want to thank you for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards,
I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better,
I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or
Until they stop talking about me,
I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears,
I am thanking you right now.

I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves,
I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and
The house is quiet,
I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or
Until I get the job,
I am going to thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until I understand every
Experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief,
I am going thank you right now.

I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or
The challenges are removed.
I am thanking you right now.

I am thanking you because I am alive,
So I may continue being your vessel
I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.

I am thanking you because I have the ability
And the opportunity to do more and do better.
I am thanking you because you have not given up on me.

Please don't wait....
Let's Thank HIM Right Now

~~ Author unknown

Thanks for stopping by! Remember to be thankful! God bless you.
~~~~~~~
"This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." I John 5:3-5

Poem: "A Different Child"

Ealier this week I was waiting for my husband to get off work so we could go meet Caleb and Gramma at the water park. Instead of sitting in the heat of the truck I went over to the library to browse and read my books. I was looking in the "new books" section and a title caught my eye: After Miscarriage. I picked it up and flipped through it. At the back was a poem called "A Different Child." At first I only read the first page of the poem and then realized it was continued on the back. I checked the book out so I could share it with my husband and Mom. I found it online and want to share it here as well.

You can find the poem online here. This was written by Pandora Diane Waldron.

A Different Child
"------for Madoka Marietta Rosalie, from your mother,
Pandora Diane Waldron*--------March 4, 1999.

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.

You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.


And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.

You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

As I read the last lines I got tears in my eyes. After our miscarriage I was scared to try again. I was scared it would happen again, and we'd never hold a child in our arms. I was in such pain, and I didn't want to go through all of it again. But at the same time I wanted to try again and wanted to have a baby. Even though I suffered a great deal of pain during that time after the miscarriage, I wouldn't change it. God had a purpose and plan for us going through that. I'm thankful for those nearly 11 weeks with that first baby, the "different child," we never met.

This poem touched my heart and made me thankful for our sweet Caleb.

~~~~~~~~~

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Friendship

I received the following in an email and wanted to share it. It didn't have an author or title in the email I received. Hope you enjoy!

---------------


I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts or fears.

But I can listen to you and together we can seek answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain nor the
Future with it's untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter and joy.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you and help you when you ask.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting;
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces and put them
Back in place.

I can't tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

~~Unknown

-----------------------

Are you this kind of friend? Do you have a friend like this in your life?

~~~~~~~~~~

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace 8that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding." Ephesians 1:7,8

Poem

I have read this poem before but received it in an email and wanted to share it. It's called When You Thought I Wasn't Looking. Take a minute to read it.


This is an excellent reminder of our influence in the lives of our children and those around us. As I was reading I thought about how it isn't just our own children we are touching. We are touching others too, like those in the grocery store, our neighborhood, or our classrooms. Sometimes we get tired of doing the same things day in, day out. I know I do some days. I like a little variety and something that I can anticipate and look forward to. I like this poem because it reminds me that all those little things do matter. Little eyes are watching and learning. We may not see the results of our labor but one day we will. Our Heavenly Father is watching also. No one else may know what we do in a day but He does and it matters to Him. This encourages me to keep on!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation." Psalm 5:3