Monday, January 13, 2014

January 13, 2003 was a Monday also

January 13, 2003 was a Monday also.

I'll always remember the details of that day 11 years ago.

I'd started spotting on Sunday, a little over 10 weeks into our first pregnancy. We prayed and hoped it was nothing. On Monday my husband took me in to the ER. They told me I was having a miscarriage.

I don't remember physical pain so much as he heartbreak I felt and the unsympathetic, uncaring actions of  the hospital staff.  (And I can say that it really made a huge difference to me during the second loss when the doctor was so kind and compassionate, such a huge contrast to the first loss.).

I remember going through Taco Bell for lunch cause that sounded good to me at the time. We went home, and my Mom came. There were cards and flowers and hugs and lots of tears. I did not understand and was just so heartbroken for our loss.  I remember when my Mom and I went to the local Subway a couple days later for me to get out and see how I did. Then by Thursday I went back to my classroom.

I can't even imagine how I went back to my class. The principal told me to take as much time as I needed.  I remember feeling that my "teaching heart" had changed. I remember coming out in the hall and seeing the PE teacher (who was due a month after me) showing other teachers her sonogram picture.  I wondered how I would ever go on with my daily life when everything had changed for me.

I remember being surprised how some people acted and the things some people said. I remember feeling like everyone else went on with their lives and that my world had stopped.

Now 11 years later, even though I clearly remember the details of that day, I can say that my heart has healed. It feels different on this day than it has in recent years, I suppose due to the second miscarriage we had in 2013 that is still so fresh in my heart and an experience that was totally different than my first one.

This isn't something I can change, and the loss will forever be part of who I am. I learned so much because of the experience.  I am thankful to be able to look back and see those lessons and see how things fit together.

As women we all grieve and remember differently. I think that it is important to realize there isn't necessarily a right or wrong way to do this. Others who have been there may offer suggestions to those beginning their walk down this road, but each woman has to do what she needs to do to grieve. The important thing in my opinion is to make sure you let yourself grieve and not try to push it all away or pretend you are fine because that isn't healthy.

This Monday I am remembering another January 13. And I'm thankful for the ways God has healed my heart in the past 11 years.

Have a day of blessings!


Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Gilligan Maryanne said...

so sorry for your loss I know it is still hard after all this time

blessings hugs