11-1-13....A day I've been dreading for 6 months. A day that looks much different than we expected it to back on March 25, the day we found out we were pregnant again. A day that is the third due date I have had and the second one to come without a baby.
I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in April. We found out I had a blighted ovum. I didn't even know what this was prior to this. And even though I don't understand how this happens, in my heart this will always be a baby to me.
This song has replayed over and over in my head over the past few months. It has been harder for me the closer we got to this day. As we would turn the calendar each month since April, my heart would sink a little as I knew we were one month closer to November, one month closer to all of the things that don't get to happen that we so wanted to happen.....No announcing the name we chose. No seeing big brother's face when he meets his sibling for the first time. No photos with happy family members. No tiny little head to wear a tiny pumpkin hat. No dirty diapers. No counting toes. No figuring out new baby cries. No nursery to decorate. No singing lullabies. No "coming home from the hospital" outfit. No cousin pictures. No newborn in our family pictures we take every November. No extra Christmas stocking to hang on our mantle.
This time last year I did not even have a baby on my radar! This pregnancy was a surprise, and we were excited as the realization sank in. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real that I was pregnant for 12 weeks. It is amazing to me (as it was with my first miscarriage) how those 12 weeks forever changed my life.
We watched the movie "Facing the Giants" recently. My husband and I had forgotten the couple in the movie struggled with infertility. At the beginning they are talking and the wife says.....
"Grant, I'm still clinging to a hope that one day we'll have children. I imagine them running in this house. I hear them playing in the backyard. Or running to our bed in a thunderstorm. And I think about reading them stories and teaching them songs. And I just keep thinking; how can I miss someone so much that I have never met?"
That is exactly how I feel. How can I miss someone that I've never met?
I have learned a lot through the experience as I did from our first loss. Everyone is hurting in some way, and I've learned we can't compare our hurts. We can't know the pains others are feeling because everyone has a different life story and situation. But when we realize everyone has a hurt they are facing, hopefully we can be more caring, more concerned, more encouraging, more sympathetic.
So many people have helped me these past 7 months--My amazing husband who has never stopped loving me, wiping my tears, letting me talk when my heart was overwhelmed or sometimes saying nothing at all. My sweet boy who has given me countless hugs when he saw the tears in my eyes and asked knowingly what was wrong. He has amazed me with his sensitivity and the things he notices that would possibly make me feel sad (and he's usually right). My family who has encouraged and loved me and not forgotten us. My friends who have been encouraging to me, many times without even realizing how what they say or do touches my heart when I need a lift. Our wonderful church family who has been there for us and helped us through the grief.
I told my Mom I had dreaded November 1 coming, and she told me to remember my blessings. So I did that throughout the month of October. I typed an email draft of two or three blessings I'd noticed in my days and added to it throughout the month. And that focus on the blessings did help me. I still had my sad times, but it encouraged me to do this activity all month long.
My heart hurts. I know that doesn't ever go away completely. From our first loss I know that the pain changes as the years pass, but there is always that one missing, that one we wonder about. And now we have two that we miss and wonder about. We don't know the reason or why, yet we trust God and know this is His story.
I know that "long beyond the empty cradle" I will forever carry those 12 weeks in my heart. I'm thankful to God for carrying us the past 6 months and continuing to carry us today.
Have a day of blessings!