Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sharing my hurting heart

It's hard to even know what to write, but I feel the need to write something here to remember later how I was feeling at this time.  We were all so excited to share with everyone that we were expecting another child and I was due on November 1. 

Last Friday I was supposed to be 12 weeks.  I thought everything was going great. We were SO surprised to find out we were pregnant at the end of March.  I had had so many pregnancy symptoms and was so looking forward to sharing our surprise with our family and friends last weekend.  I did have some spotting on Wednesday but from things I read on the Internet I was hopeful that maybe it was normal for someone nearly 12 weeks pregnant.  We prayed and waited for my appointment Friday morning....my heart was racing as they took my blood pressure.  Then they tried to find the baby's heart beat and could not.  She thought she might have, but it was actually mine.  The ultra sound showed an empty sac.  I had blood work done and came home to wait for the results to see if maybe I wasn't as far along as I thought I was.  She called and said I have a blighted ovum. 

I have so many emotions right now.  I cannot believe this is happening again.  I thought everything would be fine this time.  We had a miscarriage before Caleb, and at the time we lived in West, TX.  So Thursday and Friday everything from that first loss was coming back to me because of all the coverage of the explosion in West. 

My husband and I talked of all the things we won't get to do with this baby....all the plans we'd already made that we won't get to do now.  I know from the time before how much those "firsts" hurt....my due date in particular is going to be hard.  

Our hearts are hurting.  We don't understand.  I know from my past experience that the pain will eventually ease.  It is so weird to think that I have been pregnant three times and two of those babies aren't here with us.  It also reminded me how blessed we are to have our boy and the miracle he is to be here with us.  I trust that God has a plan and a purpose, and I hold onto that because right now it makes no sense.

We have been so touched by the love others have shown us the past few days.  I can't even put into words how amazing my boys are as well.   I'll have to write about that another day.

I found a poem that really put into words how I am feeling.  I wanted to share it with this post. 

Piece of my HeartHow was it to be that I now am robbed of such joy?
Of watching you grow or finding out if you’re a girl or boy.
Never did I get to hear your cries or even see your tears,
Or kiss your little brow and hug away your fears.

I am just left here now with pain and few memories,
Of the days that were happy with you inside of me.
For you were loved and wanted oh so much,
What I would give just to have felt your touch.

The hours crawl by yet the time does not seem to slow,
I want to scream out to the world you are gone, why don’t they know?
How is the world still turning when I feel it should have stopped?
Why are people laughing and living when it feels like I can not?

Not enough tears can be shed to express the love we have for you,
No words can describe what we all wanted to be able to do.
I would have just held you and breathed in your sweet smell,
Shouted with joy and phoned all the people we wanted to tell.

But this time we called loved ones with the sad sad news,
That too little were you to live among us and we were meant to lose.
But nothing will ever erase those twelve weeks we had together,
For a piece of my heart you now hold always and forever.
~Kerri-Anne Hinds

Have a day of blessings!


Chatty Crone said...

Oh Bethany - I wondered where you were - I am genuinely sorry for the loss of your baby. That must be so hard. I will be praying for your family.

Sr. Ann Marie said...

Bethany, I don't really have any words to comfort you and your husband but do know that you are in my prayers.

Sandra at Precious as Rubies said...

You have already been through this so I can't tell you anything that you don't already know. But I had a miscarriage in August and just trusting that God had a plan in all of this is basically what got me through. Of course my supportive husband and friends helped too, but God is the only one who can truly get someone through a time like this. Praying for you at this difficult time!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I am so sorry. Please know that I care and my prayers are with you.


Bethany, I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain. A loss hurts so bad. You are in my thoughts and constant prayers. I'm so sorry my friend. Audrey

Kara said...

Oh Bethany, I'm so sorry for your pain and your loss. I can only imagine how hard it is for you and your family. Please know I am praying for all of you. Praying that God will wrap His loving arms around you and hold you close for a while.

Farm Girl said...

I am so sorry that you lost your baby. I have 3 in heaven and I know even after this time I still think of them. I will be praying for you. I am so thankful that you have a one to hold. I know the pain and the loss and you will remember them forever. I pray God will comfort you under His wings.

Melissa A. said...

I'm so sorry I can only imagine what this is like. I have a friend who misscarried 5 times before having her beautiful baby girl. Now she is expecting her second child. I have another friend who miscarried before having her son. Unfortunately her son had a severe birth defect and only lived to be about 8 months old. She has since had two beautiful baby girls. Sometimes miracles still happen even after the pain of such things. And lets face it children are worth it.