First post of 2015

A new year and the second year anniversary of Meemaw's passing.  It does not seem possible that it has been two years really. Time just goes so quickly it seems.

As I think of her I am glad for the memories I have of her and the things Caleb knows about her.  We all three often mention something she would say in different situations and that makes us laugh.  I know she would be happy about the new baby, and I'm glad for the memories Caleb can tell the baby about her.

I know as time continues to pass I will continue to miss having her here with us and being able to share things of my life with her.

Have a day of blessings!
 

Missing you Peepaw

On this day I am remembering Peepaw.  This is the day he passed away in 2005.

I have been thinking about him a lot lately and missing him.  He's been in my dreams often it seems. I have so many wonderful memories and so many things make me think of him.  I'm blessed to have these memories and that Caleb got to know him for a short time too.  He made such a difference in my life with his love and support.

I will always miss his calls and going to get ice cream with him.  Sometimes I imagine that I hear him pounding on the front door on Saturday mornings when I'm sleeping late as he did so many mornings when I lived at home.  As Christmas approaches I will always remember that morning that we put up a few decorations in his hospital room.  It was the last time I saw him, he passed away that evening.  

I am blessed for the memories we shared and that he was my Peepaw.

Have a day of blessings!
  

A treasured moment

We were walking in the parking lot towards our truck after browsing in Lowes. I realized there was a hand in mine. I looked down casually and noticed our boy walking between us, holding both our hands. This happens so rarely now because as a 9 year old he doesn't like holding my hand much anymore. As I've realized this,  I've come to appreciate those moments so much more when I do feel his hand in mine. This felt like such a special moment to me, even though it was so short of a walk and lasted such a brief time.

As I think about holding that hand I am filled with thankfulness that we have our boy. He is such a blessing, and I'm so thankful to be his Mom. (On a side note I love when the kids at school say, "aren't you Caleb's Mom?")

My heart has been heavy this week as Mother's Day approaches.  A year ago this week I went to my follow-up appointment after our miscarriage. I remember the doctor telling me to wait three months before we tried again for another child, which would mean wait until August.  I didn't know if I wanted to try again and for the three months went back and forth,  unsure what to do. I had figured it out though and knew my due day would be the beginning of May if we conceived in August. In my mind that would be a perfect plan. But obviously that didn't happen and we still aren't expecting another child. My heart has continued to feel mixed emotions about this.  My heart still hurts from the last miscarriage, and I have realized we may not have additional children here. I don't know what the future holds, but we are trusting God for the next step.

This Mother's Day I'm thankful for the gift of my son and his hand in mine. Because of the last 9 months, I've had a small glimpse of how women must feel who are unable to conceive. There is so much pain, frustration, and unknowns. It's just plain hard, and I never knew that prior to this experience.  I'm blessed to have his hand to hold, and because of the pain we've gone through, I don't take those sweet moments for granted.

Happy Mother's Day today.  I'm remembering all those who long to have children, for those who have babies in Heaven, and for those missing their Mom's today.

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom who has been a loving encouragement to me. I'm thankful to have her in my life and our memories together.

Have a day of blessings!

January 13, 2003 was a Monday also

January 13, 2003 was a Monday also.

I'll always remember the details of that day 11 years ago.

I'd started spotting on Sunday, a little over 10 weeks into our first pregnancy. We prayed and hoped it was nothing. On Monday my husband took me in to the ER. They told me I was having a miscarriage.

I don't remember physical pain so much as he heartbreak I felt and the unsympathetic, uncaring actions of  the hospital staff.  (And I can say that it really made a huge difference to me during the second loss when the doctor was so kind and compassionate, such a huge contrast to the first loss.).

I remember going through Taco Bell for lunch cause that sounded good to me at the time. We went home, and my Mom came. There were cards and flowers and hugs and lots of tears. I did not understand and was just so heartbroken for our loss.  I remember when my Mom and I went to the local Subway a couple days later for me to get out and see how I did. Then by Thursday I went back to my classroom.

I can't even imagine how I went back to my class. The principal told me to take as much time as I needed.  I remember feeling that my "teaching heart" had changed. I remember coming out in the hall and seeing the PE teacher (who was due a month after me) showing other teachers her sonogram picture.  I wondered how I would ever go on with my daily life when everything had changed for me.

I remember being surprised how some people acted and the things some people said. I remember feeling like everyone else went on with their lives and that my world had stopped.

Now 11 years later, even though I clearly remember the details of that day, I can say that my heart has healed. It feels different on this day than it has in recent years, I suppose due to the second miscarriage we had in 2013 that is still so fresh in my heart and an experience that was totally different than my first one.

This isn't something I can change, and the loss will forever be part of who I am. I learned so much because of the experience.  I am thankful to be able to look back and see those lessons and see how things fit together.

As women we all grieve and remember differently. I think that it is important to realize there isn't necessarily a right or wrong way to do this. Others who have been there may offer suggestions to those beginning their walk down this road, but each woman has to do what she needs to do to grieve. The important thing in my opinion is to make sure you let yourself grieve and not try to push it all away or pretend you are fine because that isn't healthy.

This Monday I am remembering another January 13. And I'm thankful for the ways God has healed my heart in the past 11 years.

Have a day of blessings!