Saturday, April 19, 2014

One year

Today is a sad day of remembrance for our family. On April 19, 2103 I found out I was having a miscarriage, our second miscarriage...our third child.

We've made it through all the firsts. Since we passed my due date back in November, I've been thinking of all the things that would be different if a baby was in our family. There have been so many things I've missed and thought of the "what ifs." 

I suppose Easter will always remind me of this pregnancy. Last year Easter was at the end of March, and we revealed the news to Caleb that he would be a big brother with an Easter scavenger hunt. His last prize was a wrapped box containing a big brother shirt. We watched the video of his reactions earlier this week, and I will forever cherish his excited shouts that day. I'm so glad we decided to tell him so he could be part of our happy secret for a couple of weeks.  Then on Easter we went to tell my Mom. Now this year Easter weekend is on the anniversary of the miscarriage.   I remember thinking last year how Caleb would get to teach the new baby how to color eggs and we'd have fun finding them outfits for Easter.

It still is unreal to me that I was actually pregnant again. The pain has eased, but it never goes away completely.  My heart is healing; I've kept a written list of moments I feel were part of my healing over the past year.    Once again, just like after our first loss, I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned through this journey. They've been different lessons from the first time. I still don't understand and have many questions and have gone through so many up and down emotions. I know though God cares about me, and I love Him.  I continue to hold on to that.

Today I remember a year ago and am thankful for those who have supported and loved us through the pain.

Have a day of blessings!


Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Lea said...

Oh, Bethany, I wish I had words to bring you some comfort. I think I have shared with you that our daughter just had her 4th miscarriage last month. They have all been late term miscarriages,the longest being 19 weeks. It has been such a journey for her with no explaination after seeing 3 specialists. So, not sure her 5 year old son will ever have a sibling. She is working through her grief and finding peace in the midst of the storm. As her Mother I just want to make it all better, but all I can do is try and comfort her and trust the Lord knows best and will carry her through. I pray you will find peace and that ultimately your desire for another child will come to fruition. Hugs to you!