Today it has been a month since we found out our sad news about the loss of our baby. A day we had anticipated with such excitement because we would get to share our secret will now be remembered as a day of sadness. It's been a hard month, but at the same time I can tell that my heart is healing. It feels different this time around compared to the first loss. I am not sure why really but have several ideas at the difference I feel this time.
It took about two weeks for me to get to where I felt like doing things again, and I have been through many "firsts" since the miscarriage as I have gotten back to my routine once I healed physically. The first time going back to church. The first time going to the grocery store by myself. The first time eating Tuesday lunch with my husband (this was particularly difficult and I sat in the parking lot and cried). The first time going back to the school to volunteer. It's been weird what things bother me and make me cry.
I miss so many things about being pregnant. I miss that fixing lunches for my husband and son no longer makes me gag. I miss feeling my stomach growing rounder. I miss doing the pictures with Caleb to show how big the baby would be each week.
I wanted so badly to share the pictures with our family that we had taken to announce our news. I wanted to hear that heart beat so much. I wanted to be to 16 weeks on Friday when I went on the field trip with my boy's class. I wanted to figure out how to fix the baby's room. I wanted to feel those sweet baby kicks inside me and share that with my husband and son.
I don't understand and have so many "whys?" at this point. However, I am praying for God to show me what I can learn through this experience. There were specific things I learned through the first loss that I still think about today, and I pray to learn new things because of this loss.
I'm thankful the healing is beginning in my heart and those who have supported me this past month. I can feel that I am healing.
I read this quote (source unknown) when I was looking at poems about loss and miscarriage. I liked it and wanted to share.
Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my babies on my lap and tell them about you, but since I didn't get the chance, would you please hold them on your lap and tell them about me?
Have a day of blessings!